Update

After I get back from vacay, one of my goals (after getting darling daughter off to camp) is to update my blog so that people can actually find it, subscribe to it, etc. This is all new to me. . .but I'm learning, slowly. I am seriously tech-challenged so bear with me through the inevitable snafus.

I think I may have come up with a new name for my blog, too. It'll probably be a while before I'm able to implement it, though. . .

Cheers.

Better in Bed

Thanks and Be Praised--we women now have one more reason to don our high heels.

I was in the bathroom (TMI?) and, at a loss for reading material, turned to my husband's copy of Esquire magazine. What an enlightening read. Did you know that wearing high heels can make women better in bed by strengthening our pelvic muscles?

Well, according to a list Esquire intern Nicole Tourtelot compiled of "Ten Things Luke Simons Doesn't Know About Women" in the August issue of Esquire, that is indeed true. It's No. 5 on the list, to be exact. (I'd link to the article, but the August issue does not appear to be online yet. When and if this part of the issue goes up--and if I remember--I'll try to add the link). Gee, I'm so glad I just bought those two new pairs of Manolos...and now maybe my husband will be, as well. (Ha!). Can't you picture the scene in bedrooms across America?

Husband, irked: "I can't believe you just bought more shoes. Do you REALLY need another pair of heels? How much is it going to set me back this time?"

Wife: "But honey, these shoes will make me better in bed; they strengthen my pelvic muscles."

Husband, eyes grown cloudy and panting with lust: "Oh, well, in that case, okay. Now strap 'em on and let's get to work, baby. . ."

Yeah. Right.

Too bad Ms. Tourtelot doesn't mention that while our pelvic muscles are being strengthened, our knees, backs and feet are being shot to hell. Any of you tried to do it with a strained back? Strong pelvic muscles ain't gonna help. Nothing short of Vicodin is going to help in that case. And what does she mean "better in bed"? Better for us? Better for our partners? Perhaps mutually advantageous?

The above also begs the question: Who the Hell is Luke Simons and Why Should We Care? Apparently, in the June issue of Esquire, actress Kim Cattrall compiled a list of "10 Things You Don't Know About Women." Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your viewpoint, I suppose), reader Luke Simons complained that he already knew all ten and wanted Ms. Cattrall to come up with another ten. Since Ms. Cattrall wasn't available, Ms. Tourtelot stepped up to the plate. Now this goes to show that, just because an actress's two main roles are/were as sexpots (Miss Cattrall plays Samantha in Sex and the City (duh), and, lest you've forgotten, she also played the howling Ms. Honeywell in that 1982 movie classic, Porky's), it does not make her an expert on sex. As much as she'd like you to think otherwise. Ponder a moment. Rock Hudson played the quintessential 50s-60s hunk. Um, would you want to rely on him for advice about women? (about men, maybe, but you get the picture--movie roles do not experts make. . .).

As to all of us moms out there, maybe it's just me, but I suspect the only thing WE really want to be better in our beds is SLEEP.

The Thin, Blue Whine

Wow. It feels like I do nothing but complain about how busy I am. So busy I can't post. But, dammit, it's true. Especially true this week. No sooner do I get home from BlogHer than I have to start getting ready for a weeklong family trip (with all the in-laws) to Minnesota--Land o' Lakes and mosquitos. (West Nile Virus anyone? I'm so paranoid that I've purchased three or four different brands of mosquito repellent. Approach me at your peril, you bloodsuckers, 'cause I'm armed and dangerous. Not to mention premenstrual. And if you think for a moment I'm going to let you anywhere near my precious children, you're in for a rude awakening. Or rude squashing, if you want to get technical about it. But isn't all mosquito squashing, by it's very nature, rude? To the mosquitos, that is. Hmm. I wonder, did I take my meds today???) And two days after we get home from Minnesota, my daughter leaves for her first stint ever at sleep-away camp. That should be an immensely relaxing two days.

Basically, what this all means is that for the past two-and-a-half weeks or so, in addition to all my other home responsibilities, which are too numerous to, well, enumerate, I've been trying to get everything ready for three trips. Oh, and did I mention that we're planning to remodel part of our house and refurnish the whole durn thing? I've been working on that, too. I won't bore you with the list of all the other shit I do and don't get paid for. Most of you SAHM's already know all about it.

Long, whiny story short(ish), I've had a ton of ideas and no time to write. I'm hoping (am I nuts?) that during our stay in Minnesota I will be be able to slip away and do some writing. I've already asked my husband to step up to the plate with the kids once in a while. He's agreed. It remains to be seen whether and how this agreement--now theoretical--will translate to reality. I have to say, I'm skeptical, as our respective conceptions of "stepping up to the plate" probably differ wildly. You know, the whole "you say po-tay-toe, I say po-tah-toe" thing. (Which I infinitely prefer to the Mars/Venus comparison. I don't know if you've read the original Mars/Venus book, but I came away feeling as if the author was, if not a misogynist, then a self-centered male apologist looking for a way to get women to bear the lion's share of emotional responsibility in a relationship. But hey, that's just my impression. I did mention I was premenstrual, did I not?)

I just hope I can remember all the various topics I've been wanting to tackle. Sadly, so much time has passed that some may not even be relevant any longer. Grrr. This is the first time in my life that I've been dying to write . . .and now I find I don't have time to do it.

Whether I write or no, I don't think I'll have internet access while I'm away--so no postings. Perhaps I'll have a whole backlist when I get home that I'll simply be able to plug in the appropriate places. . .

Okay--got some bedtime child-wrangling to do. No more writing tonight.

Ha! That certainly brings this post full-circle, doesn't it?

In the immortal words (abbreviation? acronym?) of Tigger--

TTFN-- to one and all.

Take action

Okay, this is kind of a cheat in terms of posting--but it's worth noting and taking action on:

From: Commission on the Status of Women <info@women.ca. gov>
Date: July 22, 2008 3:42:34 PM PDT
To: alert@women. ca.gov
Subject: HEALTH ACCESS ALERT: Call Today (NEW #s) to Prevent Health
Budget Cuts
Reply-To: "Alert ListServe" <alert@women. ca.gov>

>> Forwarded for your information by the California Commission on the
>> Status of Women:
>>
>>
>> HEALTH ACCESS ALERT
>> Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
>>
>>
>> CALL LEGISLATORS TODAY TO PREVENT HEALTH BUDGET CUTS
>> CALL TODAY: For Senators: 800-480-3958; For Assemblymembers:
>> 800-960-7682 (A previous Health Access Alert had a wrong #)
>> Urge Lawmakers to Support the Revenues Needed to Prevent
>> Devastating Cuts to Health Care and Other Vital Services;
>> Hanging in the Balance: Severe Cuts to Medi-Cal Eligibility,
>> Benefits,& Provider Rates Unless Loopholes Closed and Revenues
>> Raised;
>> Taxes Needed to Prevent Cuts, and Undo Other Cuts: Even Compromise
>> Budget Would Cut Children's Coverage: More Than a Quarter-Million
>> Kids to Lose Insurance
>> Click Here for What's New on the Health Access WeBlog: More on the
>> Budget Battle; New Television Ads on the Health Budget Cuts; Update
>> on Rescissions with Blue Cross and Blue Shield; SB840 Re-Emerges;
>> High-Risk Policies and MRMIP; Controlling Health Costs; California
>> Children Losing Coverage
>>
>>
>> ALERT: TODAY, Tuesday, July 22nd, health advocates and all
>> Californians are being urged to call their state legislators to
>> voice opposition to the health care budget cuts, and to get other
>> friends and colleagues to do the same.
>>
>> At stake are devastating health care budget cuts that would:
>> * leave one million more Californians uninsured--a majority of whom
>> are children;
>> * require 3.5 million Californians- -largely low-income parents,
>> seniors, and people with disabilities- -to pay more for health care,
>> or get less in terms of specific health care benefits;
>> * make deep and destabilizing cuts to the health care system we all
>> rely on, including 10% across-the-board cuts to the emergency
>> rooms, hospitals, clinics and doctors that we all, by age or
>> accident, will eventually use.
>> We need to close the loopholes and raise the revenues and taxes
>> needed to prevent these severe cuts to our health system.
>>
>> ACTION #1: CALL THE TOLL-FREE HOTLINE TODAY:
>> To Reach State Senators: 800-480-3958
>> To Reach Assemblymembers: 800-960-7682
>> (A previous alert had a wrong number listed.)
>> Call Both!
>> You will be connected to your state legislative office, and can
>> leave a message for your state Assemblymember or Senator.
>> You can tell them why it is crucial for the state budget to prevent
>> the worst of the cuts with revenues, and why it is so important to
>> you, your family, and your community.
>> You can urge them to raise additional revenues to undo the worst of
>> the cuts already approved, especially to children's coverage-where
>> a quarter-million children would be denied coverage as a result of
>> the cuts.
>> ACTION #2: FORWARD THIS ALERT WITHIN YOUR ORGANIZATION, MEMBERSHIPS
>> AND AT LEAST FIVE FRIENDS IN CALIFORNIA. We need as many
>> Californians as possible to register their opposition to these
>> severe budget cuts.
>>
>> BACKGROUND: The budget is already late, and we need our legislators
>> to take action NOW in order to protect our state's future! Votes
>> will be taken in the next few weeks.
>>
>> The compromise budget proposed by the Conference Committee did
>> reject--for now--many draconian cuts in health care, that would
>> have resulted in over one million more Californians not getting
>> health coverage as a result of the budget, and three and a half
>> million Californians having to pay more and/or get less in terms of
>> care and coverage.
>>
>> Because no cut or restoration is final until a budget is approved,
>> all cuts are still on the table until both parties in the
>> Legislature can agree on taxes. The Conference Committee budget
>> relies on over $9 billion in raised revenues in order to prevent
>> other cuts.
>>
>> REAL CUTS, ESPECIALLY TO CHILDREN'S COVERAGE: Yet even under this
>> Democrat-supported budget, health care, and in particular
>> children's coverage, gets hit hard. Even with the additional
>> revenues raised, more than a quarter-million children are expected
>> to lose coverage if this version of the budget is fully implemented.
>>
>> The cuts approved that would impact children's health coverage
>> include:
>> Imposing additional paperwork burdens so millions of children need
>> to have their families file reports every six months, rather than
>> annually, to keep their Medi-Cal coverage-- leading over 250,000
>> children to fall off coverage under full implementation by 2011.
>> For more info, read the 100% Campaign report on the impacts here.
>> Increasing premiums in the Healthy Families program, which not only
>> imposes additional costs on hundreds of thousands of families, but
>> likely leads tens of thousands of children to fall off coverage.
>> Suspending streamlining and enrollment reforms, which were passed
>> into law two years ago--SB437(Escutia) with fanfare in an attempt
>> to get tens of thousands of more children who are currently
>> eligible but unenrolled into the program.
>> Additional revenues would be needed to prevent these cuts.
>>
>> REVENUES PROPOSED AT THIS POINT:
>>
>> The compromise budget proposal from the Conference Committee
>> includes the following sources of revenue that will prevent the
>> harshest of the proposed cuts to vital services. The proposal will:
>>
>> · Restore corporate tax rates to the pre-1997 level ($470
>> million). The proposal also suspends for three years the option
>> for corporations to carry forward net operating losses and use as a
>> deduction in future years ($1.1 billion).
>> · Restore upper-income tax brackets to similar levels set
>> by Governor Wilson, impacting households earning above $321,000
>> ($5.6 billion). A dependent credit for households over $150,000
>> would also be rolled back ($215 million) and an adjustment to tax
>> tables will be suspended, meaning families over $97,000 would pay
>> about $180 more yearly ($815 million).
>> · Step up tax enforcement through an amnesty program for
>> money owed to the state, based on a previously successful program
>> ($1.5 billion).
>>
>> These revenues and other such options have been opposed by some
>> legislators, who favor either much steeper cuts to health care and
>> other vital services, or borrowing that would force cuts in future
>> years. That's why legislators need to hear about support against
>> these cuts and for the revenues that would replace them.
>>
>> AGAIN: CALL BOTH TOLL-FREE HOTLINES TODAY:
>> To Reach State Senators: 800-480-3958
>> To Reach Assemblymembers: 800-960-7682
>> (A previous Health Access alert had a wrong
>> number listed.)
>>
>> Health Access will continue to track budget developments as they
>> occur, including posting fact sheets and materials on our website,
>> at:
>> http://www.health- access.org/ index.htm

--
Commission on the Status of Women
1303 J St Ste 400
Sacramento CA 95814-2900
916-445-3173
916-322-9466 Fax
www.women.ca. gov

BlogHer Report 2--Wrap up

Well, BlogHer is over, and I didn't get a chance to post anything else while I was there. The event was alternately enlightening, fun, tedious and exhausting. I met some really nice and interesting people--but had I been feeling less shy, I probably would have met more. I think there were about a thousand attendees--most of whom were women. . .who knew what a force we are? I guess I should have figured that out when I saw the huge amount of swag, as well as all the other things the exhibitors and sponsors prepared for us. For goodness sake. . .there was a Sesame street lounge--with a set-- where we got to be taped (or dvd'd, as it were) with one of the muppets (Grover or Abby Cadabby). They also had the best food. Quite a spread at all times. Ostensibly the Street folks were there to draw attention to new parental features on their website. That's all fine and good, but how can you really compare that with a conversation with Grover? You can't. No competition.

Because I am, as always pressed for time, here are a few random thoughts I had about the event:

1. One of the coolest things about BlogHer was the age-range of the attendees. The youngest I saw was a girl of 15 (I eavesdropped on a conversation she and the woman beside me were having at one of the panel discussions). At the other end of the spectrum, there were also a significant number of women in attendance who could have been grandmothers. And we were all there together, mixing it up, with more in common, perhaps, than we might otherwise have known.

2. You don't have to go to all the panels and forums. Some are boring, some are helpful--but I learned not to feel guilty about not hitting everything. Quite frankly, it was exhausting enough as it was. Anyone who thinks she is getting a nice relaxing break from home life when she attends one of these conferences may have another thing coming. The first day, I took my lunch and went to my room to eat and take care of some things. And to be alone. I decided I'd close my eyes for a few minutes, then head to the next panel. Well, 2 hours or more later I awoke. At first I felt panicked and guilty. Here I'd paid all this money for this conference. I came to learn--and yet I (unintentionally) ditched class. Ultimately, I decided it was probably better that I slept if I was so tired. In the end, there was only one panel I missed that I regretted not attending. And surprise, surprise, the world did not come to an end.

3. Like any other conference, BlogHer is as much about networking as anything else. I need to get my skills up to date. My poor husband had to fed ex my business cards to me, as I accidentally forgot to pack them. And if you don't have cards--woe unto you.

4. There is a whole commercial side of blogging that I was not aware of. Whether I choose to go that route remains to be seen. I started this blog because I wanted to write. Would I like it to lead to other writing opportunities? Perhaps something paid? Absolutely, yes. But I don't know if I want to invest the time it takes to fully commercialize my site. (Not that it particularly lends itself to that at this point anyway). Some people actually make their living from their blogs. Go figure.

5. There is so much out there on the internet and in the Blogosphere that I knew nothing about. I'm slightly more well-versed, but I still have a long, long way to go.

6. It was immensely ironic that the wifi internet connection worked so poorly at BlogHer. After all--we were all there BECAUSE of the internet--and yet, there were times we could not access it to post to our blogs, answer e-mails or whatever. Very frustrating.

7. You could tell the event was planned by women: Among other things, childcare was included and there was a Lactation Lounge. It was also extremely well-organized. Now how hard does it have to be for others to follow suit?

8. The folks who run the Silicon Valley Moms blog and their sister publications are fantastic, give great swag AND know how to throw the best parties. They arranged so many wonderful things for us to do, parties to go to, etc. My personal favorite was the makeover and headshot at Saks. Each and every one of us in attendance (there were over 100 of us, I believe) could participate in that event, free of charge.

9. I am too old for loud music and nightclubs. I am also going deaf in my right ear.

10. I am more creative when I don't drink. Ask the folks at Chevrolet.

11. There are a huge number of impressive women out there--who apparently never sleep if they do all the things they seem to.

12. Not everyone in attendance was bright or a good writer. Whew. And some folks clearly forgot their lithium.

13. As with many things in life, luck and timing probably play a large role in who is super-successful (whether you define that from the standpoint of numbers of readers or money made) in this sphere. There are some folks who are talented, but who are not clearly that much more talented than many other unknown bloggers out there. Right place, right time--it still means something.

Okay, that's enough randomness for now. I will hopefully have something more interesting and better written for you in the near future. Of course, I am going out of town for a week starting Sunday, and I don't know whether I'll be able to even access a computer.

Toodles.

Whining

I'm still at BlogHer, but gotta get dressed and run out for the morning sessions. In going through my e-mail, however,I found the following FANTASTIC article about whining, what it means and how to handle it. I recommend it highly to every one (Shout out to Debra Diamant on the Peachhead yahoo group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/peachhead2) for pointing out the link.)

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000032.htm.

BlogHer Report 1: BlogHer or BlogWhore?

Here I am at BlogHer--it's barely begun, and I'm actually beginning to feel more like a BlogWhore, than a BlogHer. I've been here less than 24 hours, and I've received 4 (large) bags of swag so far, as well as stuff from some exibitors, including a free bluetooth headset. And I haven't even visited all the exhibitors. Not only that, I've won an Ipod Nano and an insulated bottle holder. If I'm feeling bored or motivated later, I might just try to list all the shit I've gotten. I'm gonna have to ship it home.

Mind you the first session hasn't even started yet. I'm sure the sessions will prove to be very helpful, especially to a newbie like me. My first educational session is going to be a blogging basics discussion-which lord knows I need. And maybe once I start learning things, then I won't feel like this is as much of a boondoggle as it at first appears to be. Besides, what good is guilt going to do me? As my new friend Amy at Selfish Mom says: "Guilt is a useless fucking emotion." (Apparently, that's a direct quote from Kyra Sedgwick).

I guess the guilt stems from knowing that these folks want me to blog about their stuff (Ha! Joke's on them. . .I barely have traffic at this point). I feel so. . . .USED (hand to forehead). Seriously, though, here's what I've decided to do: If I really, really like something--I'll mention it. But if I don't, or it's not something I can use--I'll remain mum. Seems simple enough. Some of the swag I'll recycle or give away. That way, at least, I'll feel like I'm maintaining at least a little of my integrity, such as it is.

I've got to go to my first session--I'll post when I can--but it'll be unedited, so bear with me if you can.

Next--the irony of not being able to connect to the internet while attending BlogHer.

Ciao.

BlogHer

I'm off to San Francisco tomorrow for the big BlogHer conference. If you don't know what BlogHer is, check it out. I don't have time to explain more. I should be doing grocery shopping, getting birthday presents, making a detailed schedule for my housekeeper and clueless husband and, um, packing. . .Instead I've spent hours reading and responding to blogs. How the fuck does ANYONE get stuff done in the blogosphere.? Anyhow, don't know how much I'll be posting from SF--talk at ya soon.

Satire or Insult?

I should be going to bed now. But I'm rather intrigued by the whole brouhaha (what IS the etymology of THAT word?) surrounding this week's New Yorker cover. In case you've been hiding under a rock (believe me, you don't need to be a New Yorker reader to have seen this one; it's plastered across every news outlet of repute--or ill-repute), the cover features Barack Obama in full Muslim garb in what appears to be the oval office (well, the walls are curved. . .) along with his wife, Michelle, in terrorist/camo togs. They are fist to fist--power dapping--whatever you want to call it. Over the mantle is a pic of Bin Laden and in the fireplace burns an Amercian flag. If you're curious, you can check out the image in any number of papers or on many blogs. The LA Times website has a particularly easy-to-view image, here.

I hadn't had much time to read the paper or review the news online until this evening. I did, however, pull the much-maligned New Yorker cover (along with the rest of the magazine) out of my mailbox. A quick glance had me chuckling before I chucked the periodical onto my towering pile of unopened mail. (After all, the orthodontist waits for no magazine, not even one as venerable as the New Yorker).

Full disclosure--I love Barry Blitt, who is responsible for this cover. His cover of Ahmadinejad sitting on the can, with a sandaled foot creeping into his stall from the one next to it might be one of my all-time favorites--truly a classic. When I need cheering up, I just pull out that cover and begin to feel better pronto.

Now, as I said, my first response was amusement. Then I opened my newspaper. I must say, initially, I was surprised at the outcry this cover evoked. Although I suppose I should not have been. At the risk of sounding elitist (whoo-hoo, guess Barack and I have something in common!!), it seemed pretty apparent that it was meant to be satire, but I had forgotten how literal much of the U.S. population is. People just didn't get it. I felt superior. For a little while.

Then I began thinking it through a bit more--specifically as regards the Obamas' reactions to the cover. At first I thought--enh, Barack should've just laughed it off, recognizing it for the satire it was--and I still think that may have been the best way to handle it, whether he honestly felt that way or not. BUT then I put myself in his and Michelle's shoes (G-d forbid---luckily, my husband's past pretty much precludes any attempts at running for higher public office. Nothing horrible, just, well, you know, he grew up in the 70s...).

How many of us, after having been repeatedly and wrongly accused of all sorts of heinous things would be able just to laugh it off? I don't know about you, but if I'm falsely accused of something often enough, I tend to get defensive. More defensive than I might be under other circumstances. A one-time comment is easy enough in most cases to dismiss. But when you've been attacked time and again, it becomes harder to do that. Think about it in these terms: Say your spouse has wrongly accused you of something--adultery, forgetting to scoop the dog's poop, leaving the toilet seat up AGAIN, whatever--not once, but many, many times. I suspect you'd start to get a little sensitive, a little defensive, a little prickly, when the subject came up the next time, even if it was in the context of a joke.

Viewed this way, Barack's terse response ("no comment") and the negative response of his camp seem fairly understandable. We could debate all day whether his reaction was the "right" way to handle the situation. But in the end, he--and his camp-- just proved that they are human, with all the feelings and failings that come with it. And that, I think, is forgivable (as long as your finger isn't on the button . . .if you know what I mean).

I'd love to hear (read?) what you think about the cover controversy. Comment below, and I'll ante up a copy of one of Barack's books--either The Audacity of Hope or Dreams from My Father. Your choice. Winner will be selected at random. Which means I'll either draw names out of a hat, or just close my eyes and point at the screen.

Addendum: For those who actually do want to learn the etymology of the word "brouhaha," I found the following on the Online Etymology Dictionary:

brouhaha

1890, from Fr. brouhaha (1552), said to have been, in medieval theater, "the cry of the devil disguised as clergy." Perhaps from Heb. barukh habba' "blessed be the one who comes," used on public occasions.

Welsh Rarebit

Correction: I just found out the Welsh Rarebit bit (see meme below) actually came from Gomer Pyle USMC, not The Dick Van Dyke Show. I know we'll all rest easier knowing the truth.

Take a Gander

Click on this video: http://www.vimeo.com/1211060. My friend Lisa sent it to me, and I have to agree with her. You can't watch it and be depressed at the same time. Thanks Lisa S.!

Learning Curve: Memes and the ABCs of MeMe.

Wow--I'm really speeding along the whole blogging learning curve. A few weeks ago, I was barely posting on my own site. Now, I'm contributing to LA Moms Blog. A few weeks ago, I had no idea the thing called BlogHer even existed. Now, I'm going to the big BlogHer Conference in SF. (Which, I am sure, will result in some more, well, blogging, on my part!). I've learned about blogrolls, technorati tags, and today--memes (pronounced "meem")--although really, it's the bloggers' definition of meme, not the "real" philosophical meaning of meme. We're not talking Richard Dawkins's memetics.

Anyhow, I saw an A-B-C meme today, so I decided to spread the wealth. You, too can write all about yourself in A-B-C form--go for it. Comment below with a link to your own A-B-Cs. As for me, (or me me), you know how I love these little exercises in narcissism.

So, here are my ABCs of MeMe:

A=Ass. Mine is bigger and spongier than I'd like, although, of course, I do love my body just as it is. (Ha)! Also for ADD, which I discovered as an Adult that I suffer from (along with split infinitives and dangling prepositions).

B=Bellvue. Where I feel I'm headed at the end of a long day with overtired, cranky and all-round ornery kids. Also for Bickering--which is what my kids do when they are overtired, cranky and all-round ornery. Finally for Bitch--which I become at the end of a long day with overtired, cranky and all-round ornery kids.

C=Chocolate. Preferably dark. The true love of my life. It rarely disappoints. Although I do think Hershey's kisses taste like vomit, and Hershey's milk chocolate tastes like somebody burned the milk.

D= Darling Daughter. 9 going on 13. Comes complete with eyerolling, artistic ability and an intelligence that far surpasses mine. Also Dogs--I have and I love.

E=Easy. Nothing in my life worth having has ever come easy. Unfortunately.

F=Fuck. Not the act--the word. Now that I have kids, I miss being able to curse like a sailor. Don't know where I picked it up, as my parents were the antithesis of cursers. I've just always liked it. Maybe that's why I initially became a litigator. They curse--a lot. . .F also stands for--Forty and over. Sigh.

G=Good Girl. What I was (mostly) when I was growing up. Despite what my parents think. (If they only knew what everyone else was doing). . .Bad girl didn't happen until I left home. Also, Genius--what my husband and kids are. Really.

H=Hell. What practicing law was for me. Also for Hair--which I love to change (cut and color) as often as I can, much to the annoyance of my third H, otherwise known as Husband. Also, Hypochondriac. Woody Allen's got nuttin' on me.

I=Infertility. It sucks.

J=Jokes. I am the world's WORST joke teller. Can't remember one entire joke to save my life (except for one old knock-knock joke and one nun-in-a-blender joke from my childhood). I love humor, though. Make me laugh, and I 'm yours. Well, If I weren't already married.

K=Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I grew up on them before they franchised themelves to death. Nothing like an early Sunday morning with a piping hot glazed doughnut straight out of the oven.

L=Late Bloomer. See entry at "G" above. I was also a late bloomer in many other ways. Probably still am. Also stands for Los Angeles=where I Live now.

M=Mother--one of the few things in life I knew for certain I always wanted to be. I also have one, in case you're wondering. Can also stand for Messy--which I have always been, and am afraid always will be.

N=Nice. It's nice to be nice. But it gets boring being called nice all the time. Also--Nose. Is anyone actually ever happy with his or hers? Finally, it stands for Nap--one of my all-time favorite things to do. (See "Y" below).

O=Orion, the only constellation I can pick out in the night sky. Thank goodness for his belt. (And no, I can't even pick out the Big or Little Dippers). Also for Orgasm. They're pleasant, aren't they?

P=PMS. I wish I didn't suffer from it (although don't accuse me of it, or I'll bite your head off). Also, Perimenopause--when PMS gets worse.

Q=Queen-size bed. I much prefer the East Coast King to a Queen, although my first real "grown-up" bed was a Queen.

R=Reading. My other passion and best companion since, well, forever.

S=Sweet. The word applied to me in just about every yearbook entry from middle school on up. "You're a sweet girl." "Stay sweet." Gag. But that was probably because I was horrifically Shy as a kid. So what else would someone have to write about me? It's not as if I talked to anyone. Also for Son--I have one of those, too, and a bigger 6-year-old flirt you've never met. He's off-the-charts smart and a fine piano player, too.

T=Tea. I'm obsessed with it. I find it hard to end the day without a cuppa. Also Teeth--did you know I never had to have braces? I really longed for a retainer, though. I thought they were sex-ay.

U=U-Haul. I still have nightmares about moving out of dorm rooms and apartments. Also, University of Virginia, my undergrad alma mater. Otherwise known as Mr. Jefferson's Academical Village.

V=Values. Try raising your kids with good ones in LA. I dare you. Also, Vapid--which covers many a pretty face in LA. Finally, Virginia--my birthplace. (What, you thought I was going to tell you when I lost my virginity?--Fat effin' chance! My parents read this blog.)

W=Warm--the way I like my Weather and my bread. Also-War--which scares the shit out of me. Finally, Welsh Rarebit. I don't know why. It just popped into my head. I think I first heard of it on the Dick Van Dyke Show. (See R for Random).

X=X-ray? Xylophone? Who do you think I am--Dr. Suess??

Y=Yawn--which I do too frequently and which could also describe this meme.

Z=Zoos--are they ultimately cruel? Discuss amongst yourselves.

With that--I bid you Adieu.

I vant to be alone

Okay—I’m having one of those days. I am pissy, cranky, grumpy, disgruntled, irritated, crabby, annoyed, grouchy, testy, cross and peeved. Here it is 2 in the afternoon, and I’ve just finally gotten dressed—and not for lack of trying. I even made it all the way upstairs twice before getting dragged down again for some trivial matter or other. I had been so hoping to get some writing done today. I’m new to the concept of writing regularly—and it’s a habit I want to get into, if not daily, then pretty close to it. No chance. No way. Not today. (Okay—I am writing now, but I’m sitting in a doctor’s waiting room—no kids in sight.)

I am truly awed by the organized folks who are able to get so much done in any given day. I’ve been up since about 6:15 am, and feel as if I’ve gotten nothing done (except reading a bunch of blogs—talk about a time-suck). And somehow, my kids cannot do without me for a nanosecond. Every time I’ve tried to do something NOT involving them today, I have been interrupted, dragged off task or otherwise bugged. Clearly I am doing something wrong, because my kids can’t even wipe their adorable, little asses without my intervention (okay—to be fair, it’s only my 6-year-old who still wants mom to do that dirty work). Even when Dad and/or the housekeeper is there, the refrain is “NO, I want MAMA to do it,” whether “it” is getting a glass of water (which my oldest can do by herself) or checking the time (both kids can tell time—digital and analog), or having me check some invisible scratch on their person. I swear, I think they’d ask me to pick their noses for them if they (I?) didn’t think it was so gross. Dear G-d, how did it come to this? Am I, as I fear, raising spoiled brats? Aaaaarghhhhh!!!! I feel like I’m going crazy.

Things I’ve tried and the results:

Telling the kids I’m working and can’t be disturbed: Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha! I’m not even sure that made it in one ear, much less out the other.

Shutting myself up in my room (after telling the kids I’m working): Fat effing chance—within minutes one or the other is either banging at the door or barging in.

Hiding in the bathroom: Sadly, not even this works, although it has provided me with a whole new perspective on multi-tasking.

(Yes, I know I need to get a working lock on our bathroom door. We have been loathe to do so ever since my 40th birthday, when my son locked himself in my bathroom and flushed a bunch of toys down the toilet, necessitating a call both to the locksmith AND the plumber. It’s funny in retrospect, but at the time, well, let’s just say it was not the most enjoyable birthday I’ve ever had.)

One thing is clear—I need to start setting some boundaries. I suspect my little darlings are in for a rude awakening. I have never “worked” in their short lifetimes, and the work I am doing now, writing, is generally done at home. (My kids seem to understand the concept of Dad working, even if he’s doing so at home, and generally give him a wide berth. Maybe that’s because he has an office he goes to off to in the morning, so that they can conceive of his having some kind of life outside our home. Or maybe it’s just because he’s Uber Grump when he is working.) Thus far, my children have not had any real experience of my putting something other than them first.

And it’s only going to get worse: A friend and I have just decided to try to start a business (which is in itself hilarious—I don’t think there’s a business-savvy molecule in my body. . .). Who knows, by the end of the summer, my son might even have mastered the toilet paper roll all by himself.

Nota Bene: The foregoing was actually written yesterday, but it will come as no surprise to learn that I was unable to finish it then. . .

That's cold, man, cold. . . .

If you are one of the few people who has read my blog, you'll remember how creative my kids can get with the insults. Hey, how many of you have been called "an artichoke?" That lovely was uttered by my son in a fit of pique. Now, his sister has anted up. The other day, the two were (gasp! shock!) bickering and, voila, she shrieked at my son, "You're an ice cube!" Fits of giggles ensued, of course.

Ah, there's a whole world of ingestible insults out there, just waiting to be used. The possibilities are practically limitless. I can't wait for round three.