Saturday, July 26, 2008

Better in Bed

Thanks and Be Praised--we women now have one more reason to don our high heels.

I was in the bathroom (TMI?) and, at a loss for reading material, turned to my husband's copy of Esquire magazine. What an enlightening read. Did you know that wearing high heels can make women better in bed by strengthening our pelvic muscles?

Well, according to a list Esquire intern Nicole Tourtelot compiled of "Ten Things Luke Simons Doesn't Know About Women" in the August issue of Esquire, that is indeed true. It's No. 5 on the list, to be exact. (I'd link to the article, but the August issue does not appear to be online yet. When and if this part of the issue goes up--and if I remember--I'll try to add the link). Gee, I'm so glad I just bought those two new pairs of Manolos...and now maybe my husband will be, as well. (Ha!). Can't you picture the scene in bedrooms across America?

Husband, irked: "I can't believe you just bought more shoes. Do you REALLY need another pair of heels? How much is it going to set me back this time?"

Wife: "But honey, these shoes will make me better in bed; they strengthen my pelvic muscles."

Husband, eyes grown cloudy and panting with lust: "Oh, well, in that case, okay. Now strap 'em on and let's get to work, baby. . ."

Yeah. Right.

Too bad Ms. Tourtelot doesn't mention that while our pelvic muscles are being strengthened, our knees, backs and feet are being shot to hell. Any of you tried to do it with a strained back? Strong pelvic muscles ain't gonna help. Nothing short of Vicodin is going to help in that case. And what does she mean "better in bed"? Better for us? Better for our partners? Perhaps mutually advantageous?

The above also begs the question: Who the Hell is Luke Simons and Why Should We Care? Apparently, in the June issue of Esquire, actress Kim Cattrall compiled a list of "10 Things You Don't Know About Women." Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your viewpoint, I suppose), reader Luke Simons complained that he already knew all ten and wanted Ms. Cattrall to come up with another ten. Since Ms. Cattrall wasn't available, Ms. Tourtelot stepped up to the plate. Now this goes to show that, just because an actress's two main roles are/were as sexpots (Miss Cattrall plays Samantha in Sex and the City (duh), and, lest you've forgotten, she also played the howling Ms. Honeywell in that 1982 movie classic, Porky's), it does not make her an expert on sex. As much as she'd like you to think otherwise. Ponder a moment. Rock Hudson played the quintessential 50s-60s hunk. Um, would you want to rely on him for advice about women? (about men, maybe, but you get the picture--movie roles do not experts make. . .).

As to all of us moms out there, maybe it's just me, but I suspect the only thing WE really want to be better in our beds is SLEEP.


Lucia said...

I read your posting between my fingers, I was wincing in recognition that bad. This stuff from Esquirer and those ads at the back of L.A. Magazine promoting "Vaginal Rejuvenation" are real mindfucks. Don't we girls have enough to worry about already? I didn't click on the stuff from Kim Catrall, but I have to say, her depiction of sexuality all those SITC years was nothing short of a CARTOON. And if men didn't get that joke, they deserve to believe stuff like high heels making their mate's pussy go tighter than the lid on a 10-year-old jar of honey...

Lucia said...

K, I just read my posting, and all i can say is "ewwwww! I sound like a man-hating harpy!!" Sorry. "Better in Bed" was insightful, funny and dead-on. I musta got up on the bitter side of the bed this morning...

Karen said...

No worries, Lucia--I thought you were spot-on. And you get the award for the first person to use the word "pussy" on my blog--and we ain't talkin' the meow kind@!