Monday, September 15, 2008

Black Shoes

So, I was reading this morning's HARO requests and came across the following from a writer at Reader's Digest:

"Why do many women frequently own 12 pairs of black shoes?"

"Aha," I crowed. "FINALLY, something I can answer."

Usually when I look at the reporters' requests they're so specialized that there's no way a simple (simple-minded?) SAHM like me could be of any assistance. They're looking for stuff like "Icelandic lesbian mothers with children with Aspergers Syndrome and careers in reindeer marketing. I want to know: How do you do it all.?"

But shoes? Black shoes? THAT I could answer.

My response to Mr. Reader's Digest was more or less the following. Of course, being the good Jewish mother I am, I first had to answer his question with a question:

"Why only 12?"

I mean, come one, how many pairs of black shoes do YOU own????

My second response was: You know that old joke--Why does a dog lick his balls? Well, the answer to your question, Mr. Reporter, is the same--BECAUSE WE CAN.

However, I felt a little guilty about my flippant remarks and decided to give him a more serious answer to his question. To wit:

Black shoes, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

Casual for jeans
Casual nice for nice pants
Work low heels
Work high heels

Summer nice sandals
Summer bum-around-in shorts-sandals
Semi-Dressy conservative high heels (for synagogue, church, etc.)
Semi-Dressy conservative low heels (ditto)

Formal, knock-me-down-and-fuck-me, sexy heels (cocktail parties, balls, galas, privacy of your own bedroom, etc.) -at least 2 pairs, one for summer, one for winter. (I chickened out, though--I left the "fuck-me" part out of my e-mail. This is Reader's Digest, for chrissake. And come to think of it, the formal shoes should have had their own category separate from the fuck-me shoes, because, really, they are--or can be--very different animals).

High Heel nice boots (extra points if you have one pair in leather and one in suede)
Low Heel nice boots (ditto)

Grungy kick-around in boots
High Heel booties
Low Heel booties
Motorcycle and/or cowboy boots

And at least one pair of black shoes you don't need, but couldn't help buying because they SPEAK to you. A pair you love so much you'll never, ever part with them. And let's be honest--most of us have more than one pair of these, don't we??

I don't see what's so hard to understand. Duh.

How many pairs of black shoes do you own? I really do want to know. Bonus points for putting it in appropriate sonnet form. No freakin' way I had to time or patience to do that.


Florinda said...

I'm away from my closet right now, but off the top of my head I can come up with...10 pairs. 2 slingbacks, 3 slides, 2 pumps, 3 boots. And practically all of them are from Payless - I'd rather HAVE more shoes than PAY more and have fewer shoes, I guess :-). Luckily, I have small feet (size 5), so they don't take up quite so much room in my closet.

(Sorry, someone else is going to have to give you the shoe sonnet - I am SO not into poetry!)

PunditMom said...

I missed that one this morning. I did not count, but I am sure I have more than 12 pair, if you count boots, sandals, pumps, flats, etc.

Just call me Imelda?

Karen said...

Florinda--when it comes to shoes, well, more is more!

Pundit Mom--Oh, I think we're all little Imeldas--given the opportunity. I was always a bit of a shoe hound, but when I moved to LA and had to give up my sweater fetish, my shoe purchases doubled.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Jessica Gottlieb said...

I can't possibly do a sonnet,
There's a bee in my bonnet.
I'm so low-brow
I wouldn't know how.

But ask you did
And confess I will
Upstairs there are shoes
Downstairs there are bills

There are heels with red soles
And strappy ones too
There are old cowboy boots
And Eff Me's (a few)

There are flip flops and crocs
There are slippers for rocks
There are ski boots and waders
Lacoste complete with gators

There are shoes, oh yes
Some are black some are blue
There are shoes in my house
And how about you?

Anna Lefler said...

OK, I haven't counted (that would require hoisting my fat can out of my chair - yawn) but, as you know, I definitely am a devout worshiper at the footwear altar. [Bitchin' sonnet, Jessica! Wow!]

And I'd never even heard of HARO. Karen, you are so plugged in...and I'm so out of the loop! XO

Karen said...

Anna--I haven't counted mine either. Mostly because they are buried under three-feet of shit in my closet. But that's another story. Suffice it to say--I have a lot. Oh, and I'm not so plugged it. I just happend to hear about that one. I'll tell you what--you get my blog all linked up to all the SEO tools and I'll keep you plugged in to the other stuff! I am serious.

Jessica--What can I say, woman, you rock! Fabulous poetry, my dear. Almost as fabulous as the shoes themselves. (It takes a lot to top a bitchin' pair of heels. . .) You are clearly a genius to be able to knock this one out in a trice, OR you have WAY too much time on your hands! Either way, we're the beneficiaries.

Thanks for postin', y'all.

Lucia said...

Oy vey. Until my second marriage I had only about 4 pairs of shoes in my closet. But my husband, and his family, was so event-driven that it soon became apparent my artillery was woefully unprepared. I remember one sister-in-law commenting that she'd seen me wear the same pair of Charles David lace up black shoes many times before. "Is that the only pair you have?" I believe was her remark.

Thus began a new, very enjoyable pasttime: that of purchasing shoes! The marriage has long since ended - but the affair with shoes LIVES ON. I count fourteen pairs of black shoes/boots/sandals currently. But that could change. Like, today.

chefdruck said...

but is calling them "black shoes" really fair? I mean, don't they deserve more? Like black leather ballerina flats, black block heel patent leather open toed, black patent high heels for boring weddings, black penny loafers, black velour flats, etc....?

I wish I could be more creative and do a sonnet, but I lack a rhyming gene - in both French and english.

I have to check out Toontown - I mean - have my kids check it out.

Karen said...

ChefDruck: A word (or three) of warning: DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

You will live to regret the day you introduced your zombies. . .oops, I meant children to Toontown. Heed my warning or you are forever-doomed. Seriously.

I have to agree with you on the shoe front. Each and every shoe deserves it's very own, personalized and unique description. How could I have been so blind?!

Karen said...

Lucia--4 pairs of shoes? Really? So glad you've become as corrupted as the rest of us. Seriously, I was afraid for your very soul.

Oh, and did you pick up any new pairs today? If so, I think photos are in order.

Karen said...

Okay--after reading my last two comments, it is becoming clear that I have been listening to too much Republican, evangelical horse hockey of late.

"Forever-doomed"? "Afraid for your very soul?" Crikey. See how insidious, how very dangerous those elephants and their propaganda machine are? Scary.

Anonymous said...

4 pairs: a pair of heels which doesn't fit well enough to wear longer than 10 minutes as a time. (I wore them to an EVENT, walked in wearing them, kicked them off under the table during dinner, put them on to walk out. Did not wear them in the car going or returning.) A pair of leather clogs, a pair of Birkenstock kitchen clogs and a pair of flip-flops.

I would own more shoes, but my feet are very short for their width. Only a size 6, but EE width. Rarely found outside of orthopedic specialist stores. I have to cultivate a casual outdoorsy clothing style because athletic shoes are my best bet for coming close to fitting. Or Birkenstocks. Sometimes, a men's size 5 wide, which is just about as hard to find as a ladies EE.

poor me.

Anonymous said...

reading over my comment, I realize that I buy a pair of black heels that doesn't fit about every 5 years for some EVENT or other for which heels are needed. I always buy black because, having given up on finding heels that fit, I figure black at least stands a chance of being worn (for brief moments) again. But I end up getting rid of them, because they don't really fit and I don't wear them. Then, next wedding or whatever event, after a few weeks of struggling to find shoes that fit and properly match my outfit, I give in and buy some black heels just to be done with it already.

I so envy people with feet that do not resemble Daisy Duck's.

Karen said...

Anonymous: Wow. That is tough. Must be frustrating. My mom had hard-to-fit feet and it can be infuriating.