Black Shoes

So, I was reading this morning's HARO requests and came across the following from a writer at Reader's Digest:

"Why do many women frequently own 12 pairs of black shoes?"

"Aha," I crowed. "FINALLY, something I can answer."

Usually when I look at the reporters' requests they're so specialized that there's no way a simple (simple-minded?) SAHM like me could be of any assistance. They're looking for stuff like "Icelandic lesbian mothers with children with Aspergers Syndrome and careers in reindeer marketing. I want to know: How do you do it all.?"

But shoes? Black shoes? THAT I could answer.

My response to Mr. Reader's Digest was more or less the following. Of course, being the good Jewish mother I am, I first had to answer his question with a question:

"Why only 12?"

I mean, come one, how many pairs of black shoes do YOU own????

My second response was: You know that old joke--Why does a dog lick his balls? Well, the answer to your question, Mr. Reporter, is the same--BECAUSE WE CAN.

However, I felt a little guilty about my flippant remarks and decided to give him a more serious answer to his question. To wit:

Black shoes, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

Casual for jeans
Casual nice for nice pants
Work low heels
Work high heels

Summer nice sandals
Summer bum-around-in shorts-sandals
Semi-Dressy conservative high heels (for synagogue, church, etc.)
Semi-Dressy conservative low heels (ditto)

Formal, knock-me-down-and-fuck-me, sexy heels (cocktail parties, balls, galas, privacy of your own bedroom, etc.) -at least 2 pairs, one for summer, one for winter. (I chickened out, though--I left the "fuck-me" part out of my e-mail. This is Reader's Digest, for chrissake. And come to think of it, the formal shoes should have had their own category separate from the fuck-me shoes, because, really, they are--or can be--very different animals).

Clogs
Sneakers
High Heel nice boots (extra points if you have one pair in leather and one in suede)
Low Heel nice boots (ditto)

Grungy kick-around in boots
High Heel booties
Low Heel booties
Motorcycle and/or cowboy boots

And at least one pair of black shoes you don't need, but couldn't help buying because they SPEAK to you. A pair you love so much you'll never, ever part with them. And let's be honest--most of us have more than one pair of these, don't we??

I don't see what's so hard to understand. Duh.

How many pairs of black shoes do you own? I really do want to know. Bonus points for putting it in appropriate sonnet form. No freakin' way I had to time or patience to do that.